Fifth time's the charm (I hope)

I, Dorothy Smith, understand that I am undertaking an intensive, guided encounter with my own creativity. I commit myself to the twelve-week duration of the course.
I, Dorothy Smith, commit to weekly reading, daily morning pages, a weekly artist date, and the fulfillment of each week's tasks.
I, Dorothy Smith, further understand that this course will raise issues and emotions for me to deal with.
I, Dorothy Smith, commit myself to excellent self-care - adequate sleep, diet, exercise, and pampering - for the duration of the course.
Signed this 31 day of May, 2010 by my own hand (in that typing kind of way...)

So here I go. Again. Apparently this is going to be hard for me to commit to - as I got distracted even trying to type all the bits above. I just want to be better - more creative, more expressive, more artistic, just more. I've tried this before (four times actually) and never managed to see it though to the end of the twelfth week. Maybe this time with your support and encouragement I can do it.

I'm supposed to be working with something called "blurts" this week - little interjections of negative self-talk that pop up to shut me down. Just got one as I was finishing up the sentence about your encouragement and support above. It was, "Not like anyone ever reads my blog anyway..." which was swiftly followed by "How can I ever hope to be a real writer when I can't even get old friends interested in my blog?" What does that reveal, I wonder.

I am now supposed to adjust that blurt into a positive affirmation about myself and my talents. Here we go: "A few people whom I have never even met follow my blog - I must have said something interesting at some point to attract their attention." Wow - what a weak-assed affirmation! Is that as positive as I can be about myself? Let's try that again, "My blog is interesting and I enjoy sharing my thoughts with an online community." I suppose that's better.

Here's some more, with their more positive counterparts:
When I trust myself and don't listen to others bad things happen. / My intuition knows what is best for me and my growth, even if growth is sometimes painful and scary.

My mother will resent me because I can do what she can't or because I did it without her help. / As a mother myself I know that watching my daughter figure things out on her own is an indescribably joyous thing; I also know that no one ever achieves things alone and my mother's support and guidance for me far outweighs her resentment and jealousy.

I can't even see this through to the end, how can I hope to make a living as an artist. / Every day is a brand new chance, a brand new opportunity - nay, every MOMENT.

I wish I'd started earlier. / I now have the experience, wisdom, and knowledge necessary to make an incredible artist.

Those who can - do. Those who can't - teach. / I can be both a working artist AND a teacher of other artists.

Maybe I have already achieved all I was meant to. / If I can dream it, I can achieve it.

Maybe I'm not really blocked, maybe I'm just untalented, and that's the real reason I don't succeed as an artist. / Maybe that's the block talking - trying to keep me too scared to even try. (I don't know if that can be classified as an affirmation, but it's all I could think of right now.)

I just wasn't born with that kind of talent - it comes naturally to them. / I was born with just as much talent, I just have to rediscover it.

I'm supposed to do at least half of my weekly tasks - that's five out of ten this week, and can do more if I find I have more time. I'll start on those tomorrow...

P.S. Wendy's hair is now long enough for tiny, cute little ponytail!

whining

So...
I don't want to go into too many details but I feel the need to vent so this is gonna be pretty hard to follow, but that's on purpose...sorry...
Seriously? Why are you being that way? I don't understand why we couldn't at least be friends. What on earth could I possibly have done to make you so angry at me that any I attempt I make at communication is completely ignored. I miss you. I still yearn for your approval. I look up to you so much. What in the world have I done?
And you! Seriously? Why? I wish I could tell you the truth about everything, about all the things he did to me. But it's too little too late and it would just come across as pettiness - me trying to use you to hurt him. Maybe that's all it is, deep down dark inside, but if you had any idea, even the smallest hint of an inkling of what he did to me, how he ruined my life forever and I will always bear the stain of his deception, I honestly don't think you'd want to have anything to do with him. You would avoid him like the plague. You would realize that he destroys everything he touches because he only has and only ever will care ONLY about himself.
And as for you, young man... what ill will do bear me, exactly? I seem to recall us parting on good terms. can't we put it all behind us and be buds. I'm not trying to stress you out I just always thought you were neat.
So...
I need to do something - or maybe some things - to help me forgive and move on. Holding onto hurt is not healthy for children or other living things. I just really wish my life wasn't so filled with so many forceful and unavoidable reminders of my past hurts...
P.S. I gave blood yesterday! And that makes me really happy! Something so small, so utterly tiny, and it helps to save lives. I feel cosmic after donating. And the free cookies don't hurt either! ;-)

so close I can taste it

It's only 16 days away and I really don't know if I'll make it. I'm literally salivating for it, I want it so bad. I'm talking about summer folks. As a teacher I need a break just as bad (if not worse) than my kids do. My brain is fried and I am SO done. I can't be clever, or witty, or creative, or challenging, or interesting while teaching anymore. I left my knowledge, wit, and humor back at Spring Break and it's too late to turn around and go get 'em. So OF COURSE this is the time of year when EVERYTHING happens. We've got awards banquets, and spring recitals, and graduation performances to get ready for AND early-bird meetings for the kids starting my awesome fine arts program next year - so...cool, but still...LAME. I'M JUST SO TIRED. And as the sprinkles on top of it all I decided this year to do summer STEP (an arts program spanning the mornings of the first two weeks of summer for those gifted & talented kids who just can't get enough of school). WHY DID I DO THAT AND WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?!?! Anywho, some nice things have been going on and for your pleasure I shall share:
Wendy was the flower girl for Alex's cousin Sarah's wedding today. She did very well for a not-quite-two-year-old. She walked down the aisle without running amok once. She forgot that whole part about throwing the flower petals on the ground, but seriously, what did you expect? She can't even weild a spoon with one hand just yet - did you really think she could multi-task by walking AND petal-tossing AT THE SAME TIME and in front of a big room full of NEW PEOPLE and completely WITHOUT mommy or daddy walking next to her? (Also this was an improvement from her trial runs yesterday where she would do a very un-ladylike squat every so often and scatter the petals then loudly start to sing the"Clean Up" song from daycare and gather them all back into the basket before standing up to walk a few more steps, squat and repeat the whole thing all over again.)
My theatre students had a big performance today and they did a pretty darn good job. OK, so someone did a big line flub and it was totally obvious when another kid tried to cover for the kid who lost the line...and another kid forgot a key piece of blocking that sort of threw the whole story out of whack...and my most responsible, dependable and reliable kid FORGOT HIS ENTIRE COSTUME but all in all it really wasn't too shabby. Audience folk told me they could hear and understand all kids but ONE (and it WASN'T the one I was afraid it was gonna be, either!) and we got quite a few laughs. So what if the laughers were mostly comprised of parents of my students and the students who wrote the play we were performed - they were still laughing at us, and when you're doing a comedy you totally want that. I was pleased that they made it through their first real performance in one piece. It's hard and scary to perform when you first start and they really took care of each other out there. And that part, the being there for each other part, made me real proud.
I am trying to be more positive so here's a silly picture for you - Wendy & I rolling our tongues - enjoy!

Weekend...of...DOOM

I don't want to bore you with the gory details so here is a short list of the things that SUCKED this weekend:
I left my wallet in Bi-Lo and Alex had to go get it for me
I made a brand new recipe and Alex couldn't stand it because the onion pieces were too big
I dropped a glass lid in a store and it shattered all over my feet (which were in sandals)
I tried to buy a kitchen gadget and at the checkout realized I didn't have my wallet (it was still on the counter where Alex left it after getting it from the Bi-Lo for me)
I got pulled over for speeding AND I didn't have my license (it was at home in the aforementioned missing wallet)
I forgot to give Wendy her medication...twice
Pixie ate Wendy's toy purse, necklace and cell phone
I made everyone late Sunday morning
I unknowingly threw Wendy's sunglasses (which she LOVES) out into the backyard and Pixie ate them
I burned the apple dumplings I made for Alex's D&D night with the guys
Wendy keeps saying "douche" and it's entirely possible that she learned that word from me
Here's an even shorter list of the things that were AWESOME this weekend:
I got a new purse because the zipper on my old one broke...
...wait for it...
...thirty minutes after buying myself this new purse (spending money I really couldn't spare) I found out my mother-in-law had just purchased me a new purse for Mother's Day
This was NOT my weekend...