Monday, May 31, 2010

Fifth time's the charm (I hope)

I, Dorothy Smith, understand that I am undertaking an intensive, guided encounter with my own creativity. I commit myself to the twelve-week duration of the course.
I, Dorothy Smith, commit to weekly reading, daily morning pages, a weekly artist date, and the fulfillment of each week's tasks.
I, Dorothy Smith, further understand that this course will raise issues and emotions for me to deal with.
I, Dorothy Smith, commit myself to excellent self-care - adequate sleep, diet, exercise, and pampering - for the duration of the course.
Signed this 31 day of May, 2010 by my own hand (in that typing kind of way...)

So here I go. Again. Apparently this is going to be hard for me to commit to - as I got distracted even trying to type all the bits above. I just want to be better - more creative, more expressive, more artistic, just more. I've tried this before (four times actually) and never managed to see it though to the end of the twelfth week. Maybe this time with your support and encouragement I can do it.

I'm supposed to be working with something called "blurts" this week - little interjections of negative self-talk that pop up to shut me down. Just got one as I was finishing up the sentence about your encouragement and support above. It was, "Not like anyone ever reads my blog anyway..." which was swiftly followed by "How can I ever hope to be a real writer when I can't even get old friends interested in my blog?" What does that reveal, I wonder.

I am now supposed to adjust that blurt into a positive affirmation about myself and my talents. Here we go: "A few people whom I have never even met follow my blog - I must have said something interesting at some point to attract their attention." Wow - what a weak-assed affirmation! Is that as positive as I can be about myself? Let's try that again, "My blog is interesting and I enjoy sharing my thoughts with an online community." I suppose that's better.

Here's some more, with their more positive counterparts:
When I trust myself and don't listen to others bad things happen. / My intuition knows what is best for me and my growth, even if growth is sometimes painful and scary.

My mother will resent me because I can do what she can't or because I did it without her help. / As a mother myself I know that watching my daughter figure things out on her own is an indescribably joyous thing; I also know that no one ever achieves things alone and my mother's support and guidance for me far outweighs her resentment and jealousy.

I can't even see this through to the end, how can I hope to make a living as an artist. / Every day is a brand new chance, a brand new opportunity - nay, every MOMENT.

I wish I'd started earlier. / I now have the experience, wisdom, and knowledge necessary to make an incredible artist.

Those who can - do. Those who can't - teach. / I can be both a working artist AND a teacher of other artists.

Maybe I have already achieved all I was meant to. / If I can dream it, I can achieve it.

Maybe I'm not really blocked, maybe I'm just untalented, and that's the real reason I don't succeed as an artist. / Maybe that's the block talking - trying to keep me too scared to even try. (I don't know if that can be classified as an affirmation, but it's all I could think of right now.)

I just wasn't born with that kind of talent - it comes naturally to them. / I was born with just as much talent, I just have to rediscover it.

I'm supposed to do at least half of my weekly tasks - that's five out of ten this week, and can do more if I find I have more time. I'll start on those tomorrow...

P.S. Wendy's hair is now long enough for tiny, cute little ponytail!


  1. My love to you, and how fun this could turn out to be! Can I be one of your artist dates? We could meet on facebook or skype or something and discuss theatre with youth and how we can also be artists and how we are still artists (artists who direct and guide) when we are working with youth. I know you are super talented Dorothy. And maybe you do need to rediscover. Also, maybe you should read this blog:

    You're awesome!

  2. Glad you're doing this. That negative nelly needs to get herself out of your brain. 4 realz
    You can do it! Woot woot!